As most of you okes probably know by now, I recently went to check out the East. First of all I went to China. I went to Beijing first. I was hoping to check out the waitering scene and see if I could land myself a job.

But when I got there I discovered that to be a waiter you have to speak Chinese. Which is ridiculous, cause most Chinese okes want to learn to speak English and it’s a known fact that the best way to learn a foreign language is through real-life situations. Also, almost no one learns a second language unless they’re forced to. So if the waiter can only speak English, then the Chinese okes would have to learn to speak English if they wanted to order from the menu. I tried to explain this to the manager, but he didn’t understand me.

Then I thought that I could maybe land a job as an English teacher. I heard anyone can do that. But I found out that you have to have a university degree. I have a certificate in critical thinking from an online institution. But

the English schools didn’t recognize it, and they said I was meant to have applied over the internet before I got there. So I used the internet at my hotel to apply, but I needed to ask some people to be my referees. But the only way I could contact them was through facebook, and facebook is blocked in China. So I had to give up on that idea.

But that didn’t really matter cause the main reason I went to the East was because I’d always heard that Asian chicks are hot. And I heard they dig white okes. I heard from some of my friends, and my uncle who lives in China, th

at even fat, ugly okes can get can get lank hot chicks. So one night I went out to this place called Ho Hei in Beijing. There were lank clubs and plenty hot chicks everywhere. They were all thin and they had black hair. It was awesome! Then I went to this one really hot one who was standing by the bar and I said, ‘I’ve heard that chicks here dig white okes!’ As it turns out, this girl had studied in the US and her English was pretty good. But she’d never heard the word, ‘chick’ and she thought I was saying, ‘chink’, which is a racist term for Chinese people. So she got lank offended and said, ‘how can you say that? what’s wrong with you?’ Then she walked away and I started following her through the crowd, trying to say the word more clearly, ‘chick, chick, chick!’ But I think she just kept hearing, ‘chink, chink, chink.’ It was lank awkward.

I kept trying to chat to different chicks, and some of them wanted to talk, but then afterwards it turned out they were trying to sell me stuff. This other really hot chick asked me if I wanted to have coffee with her and her friend. I thought, ‘hell yes!’ and I followed them to this place where their friend was serving green tea. It was just me and these chicks, and they couldn’t really speak English very well, but they were lank into me. And I thought we’d take the party back to my hotel, but then they gave me the bill and it was for like 500 bucks. For one cup of tea! Then I remembered that I’d read about this exact scam in a guidebook. So I just got up and ran away cause I only had 200 bucks on me.

I decided then that I had to get in contact with my uncle. I’d told him I was coming, but I thought I would first try make it on my own, cause I’m that kind of guy. I don’t want to have to rely too much on other okes. But I realized that it’s another world out there! Literally! And you need a guide of some sort.

So the next day I met my uncle for lunch. I don’t know what he does exactly, but he makes big bucks. I think he may be involved in the rhino horn trade, but I’m not a hundred percent sure and I didn’t want to ask directly. I actually thought that maybe I could get involved from the South African side, helping him source rhino horn. But he just started giving me some advice about dealing with Chinese. He said that Chinese are lank attached to their own culture. They think it’s fantastic and they’re always going on about how they have five thousand years of history. So if you want to impress a Chinese chick, then you have to know something about Chinese culture. I told him that I was something of an expert on Eastern cultures, but he said that I wasn’t. He said I should experience some of the culture first hand. My uncle has a Chinese chick. He just broke up with his last one, and then found a new one. He didn’t want me to meet her though. He’d told her he was from New York, and that all his friends and family were rich Americans. If she met me she’d know at once that he was lying. But he gave meten thousand bucks in cash cause he said I’d never find a job with my qualifications. So I extended my stay, and decided I’d try get acquainted with the culture so I could impress a chick and get laid.

Click here for Part Two