5. The Fast Show

The Fast Show was a comedy show featuring characters such as Ron Manager and a guy who ran around saying “You ain’t seen me, right?” They introduced this character, a South African bitch, who would offend everyone she met by being incredibly rude to them and then saying “no offence” afterwards. This is the first on my list to receive 5 out of 10, largely because, although the accent is disappointingly wayward, I can imagine this kind of rude Saffa working at Woolworths or Truworths.
SA accent rating: 5 out of 10

4. Invictus

Matt Damon reportedly spent months with Francois Pienaar in order to perfect his accent. They spent so much time together they actually became friends, and it seems to have worked because he doesn’t do a bad job.

Unfortunately, the movie’s accent rating is brought down dramatically by Morgan Freeman, who appears to have spent the preceding months watching endless reruns of Bruce Almighty and the Shawshank Redemption perfecting his own accent. His version of speaking like Nelson Mandela is speaking with his natural American accent but starting every sentence with “Ah”. It is said that Madiba himself identified Freeman as his preferred choice. However, I have heard on good authority that Madiba only said this to keep Freeman from reciting the entire narration from March of the Penguins when they met in Houghton.

SA accent rating: 6 out of 10

3. Cry the beloved country

This is a touching story – I read the book in High School. It’s done pretty well. But tell me one thing:

Can you really listen to this without thinking that Darth Vader has strayed a looooong way from the Death Star?

I thought not.

SA accent rating: 6.5 out of 10

2. Blood diamond

Leo was the first to really the capture the attitude of white male South Africans, by which I mean he says the word “bru” a lot. His accent is good: You can hear that he gets a few words wrong, but we can forgive him this because it would be another four years before he would make another movie worth paying for (Inception).

SA accent rating: 7 out of 10

1. Cry freedom

Kevin Kline plays Donald Woods, and Denzel Washington plays Steve Biko. Both do an excellent job as far as accents go, and this movie got the top spot by a long way. The movie itself isn’t all that great – the second half doesn’t feature Biko at all. But for those who wonder what the great man was like in real life, Washington gives the character charisma and depth. Kline almost seamlessly portrays a white English-speaking South African.

Since this movie preceded all of the other nine in this list, it makes the others seem really stupid and badly researched. Is there any more evidence needed to stop Val Kilmer making movies?

SA accent rating: 8 out of 10