Following my blog last week, South African accents are hard to do, I thought it was about time to have a Top Ten about South African accents in television and movies. However, you should be warned that most attempts are shockingly bad, and you listen to them at your own risk. Because there are sometimes many SA accents in one movie or show, I have ranked them according to the movie or show they appeared in.

10. The Saint

After destroying the Batman franchise by playing the character as an autistic homosexual, Val Kilmer then moved on to humiliate another fictional hero, The Saint, by producing a number of implausible disguises and accents in order to have sex with Elizabeth Shue. Amongst these characters was someone who was supposed to be South African. We can only guess that the back story to this South African character was that he suffered massive brain injuries as a child after being hit by a freight train, and this explains his drawling, incomprehensible accent. This is about as believable as the cockney accent on SuperSport’s  Premier League adverts.

SA accent rating: -1 out of 10

9. CSI

This was the subject of the last blog. It’s hard to describe this accent, by which I mean it’s hard to describe it without using the words “amateur”, “untalented” and “blatantly not South African”.

 SA accent rating: 0 out of 10

8. Lee Mack

Lee Mack is an English comedian who clearly thinks he has nailed several accents to such a degree that he can present them on national television. He thinks the South African accent sounds like a record playing backwards. Interestingly, if you play his stand-up skit backwards it says “I WISH I WAS AS GOOD AS EDDIE IZZARD BUT WHAT CAN I DO”
SA  accent rating: 1 out of 10

7. Lethal Weapon

Mel Gibson became a household name by making several Lethal Weapon movies with Danny Glover. The bad guys in the second movie are meant to be South Africans, ruthless autocrats who design an ingenious and corrupt system to hoard Kruger Rands. There are two problems with the storyline: (1) All the South Africans are played by English actors who couldn’t get into Inspector Morse. The accents they affect sound like Australian mixed with a bit of Hitler (otherwise known as The Mel Gibson accent). (2) The idea that the apartheid government could be so ingenious is about as plausible as the star of this violent, misogynistic film creating a movie about Jesus and claiming to be all holy-like. Oh wait….SA accent rating: 2 out 10

6. Alan Partridge

For those of you that don’t know Alan Partridge, he is a fictional television and radio presenter (and the forerunner to The Office’s David Brent). Unfortunately the character played in this episode gets the SA accent horribly wrong. The whole joke rests on him pronouncing “You can’t” as “You c*nt.” I’ve never heard this mispronounciation in my life, and I have been called that word a lot. I think Alan does a better job himself when he mocks the SA character.SA accent rating: 3.5 out of 10

Visit BlackSheepTV tomorrow for Part 2!