Unlike many of you I take the bus to most places, and even WALK to others. I do not own a car, nor would I like to own a car nor will I ever own a car. Apart from the obvious fact that the motor industry is one of the horns of capitalism (if capitalism is a devil, or maybe a goat) here are some other reasons not to own a car:

(1) Owning a car is like saying “Yes, not only am I a dick, but I am also mobile.”

(2) Travelling one person per vehicle is so selfish it’s like owning a cow solely for the purpose of emitting methane into the atmosphere (and it has a similar effect).

(3) Do you not want to be in touch with other humans? Why the need to lock yourself in a box with windows as opposed to sitting in a bus with the people that make the country function?

(4) The real reason most white people have cars is so that they can go to the gym and to Melrose Arch to drink Evian water and muck around. Is this really necessary?

(5) People also like to drive because they (“they” being men, usually with small penises) like to shout at other people on the road. Avoiding a car will solve all of this and will make you Zen. Ever heard of pedestrian rage? No.

(6) You can read on a bus or taxi. Driving a car means you’re forced to listen to business or politics or 5fm, all of which are equally painful and mind-numbing, particularly if Gareth Cliff is on.

(7) Two words: Car guards. I never have to worry about them or pretend that they’re actually performing a job (although I do still give them donations because it’s the right thing to do).

(8) Drinking and driving. This is a huge problem and people get into a whole lot of trouble for it. Don’t do jail time… Jail is where politicians and the head of the police should go.

(9) Fitness. You can get fit by walking a lot and running after people who steal your purse. If you do not know how to walk, please see the helpful diagram.

(10) Money! In this economic climate who has extra cash to buy the latest car? Not me. Save your money – and then give it away to people who need it.